Showing posts with label Inspirational. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Inspirational. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

15 things to stop doing to add ease to your life

15 Things You THINK Are Making You A Better Person (But Aren't)

We put so much pressure on ourselves to do, be, and have more, we exhaust ourselves to the point that we can't do much of anything. I realized this by reaching that point myself. So, rather than trying to just push myself harder, I decided to stop. Just stop. 

Dedicating yourself to anything for 40 days is a beautiful gift you can give yourself.

I cleared my coaching calendar, took no new clients, put speaking events on hold, and canceled meetings. I figured my best shot at finding balance would be to stop trying to achieve, for the sake of achieving, to hold onto some perceived sense of momentum, and look inward, to find the things that really, truly motivated me.
As a life coach and self-help author, I realized that my vocation of serving others actually requires me to serve myself first. Regardless of your profession, honoring your own needs is the first step towards being able to live well and be of service to others. 
 
Dedicating yourself to anything for 40 days is a beautiful gift you can give yourself. My 40-day practice had one mission: to become my own best friend. Now, four weeks into my six-week program, I feel better than I have in my entire life. I’ve learned how to truly listen to my inner guide, I’ve lost more than 15 pounds, and my mental clarity is spot on. I’ve eliminated sugar from my diet and started a regular yoga practice again.
 
My life has transformed, and the only thing that changed was my decision to give me what I need

Most of us are over-committed already. So, the thought of layering additional obligations on top of job, kids, and everything else can feel prohibitive. What worked for me was cutting out habits or self-imposed commitments that weren't working. That means anything that wasn't making me happier, healthier, or better.

Here are the 15 things I stopped doing to help me reach my newfound levels of personal freedom, self love, and health. What do you want to give up?

1. I’m no longer going to finish books that lose my interest. I trust I learned what I needed to learn.

2. I'm no longer going to feel guilty for leaving food on my plate. Instead, I'll listen to my body.

3. I'm no longer going to ignore my inner voice. I'll act on my intuitive urges.

4. I'm no longer going to listen to others’ opinions about my life. I'll do what feels right for me.

5. I am no longer going to worry about money. I'll always have everything I need, and I allow abundance to flow.

6. I'm no longer going to think my life is off track. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

7. I'm no longer going to perceive my flaws as negative qualities. My imperfections are what make me a gorgeous human.

8. I'm no longer going to deflect compliments. Instead, I'll drink in the kindness.

9. I'm no longer going to chastise myself for my mistakes. They are learning opportunities; I'll embrace them all.

10. I'm no longer going to obsess about how or when my dreams will happen. I'll allow myself to enjoy the journey even more than the destination.

11. I'm no longer going to compare myself to other people. We are all on our own unique journeys.

12. I'm no longer going to apologize for saying what I feel is right. My voice and point of view matters.

13. I'm no longer going to force myself to do anything I don’t want to.

14. I'm no longer going to give more faith to my fear. Instead, I'll choose love.

15. I'm no longer going to put others first. To love yourself is not to be selfish. If the inside is nurtured, the outside will flourish.

Monday, November 2, 2015

How I Became The Happiest Person I Know

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  Many people have asked me over the years how I always manage to be so happy. After my father died when I was 19, and when I was going through a divorce at age 22, people used to say they never would've guessed what I was going through, because they thought I was always smiling.
Visualize what you want clearly and you'll notice an immediate shift in how you feel.

I've learned that being self-reliant and teaching others to be self-reliant in any circumstance is one of my biggest gifts. That's why I like when people ask me how I stay so upbeat. Because the answer — in short — is that I don't. Some days I feel so overwhelmed that I just want to give up entirely.

But one of the reasons I'm very happy overall is that I don’t allow my negative thoughts to control me for too long. Deep down I know that whatever suffering I am going through will eventually pass. 

I also have a few tricks (after so many years as a self-help junkie!) that ensure I stay on the right emotional track. These things keep me in tune with the high-frequency vibration of joy and love that I want to be a part of in the world. Here they are: 

1. I make sure my spare time is occupied with projects I love.
The underutilized mind is not a happy mind. I write almost every day to ensure that I'm always working on multiple projects that inspire and stretch me. Aside from my valued downtime and meditation, I'm a very busy person, which leaves little opportunity for rumination and overthinking. 

2. I give as much as I can.
It gives me a lot of joy to compliment others, make other people feel special and dial up the kindness wherever I go. Try this! It never fails to give me a boost, as we always keep what we give away. 

3. I focus on and visualize what I want.
My mind can easily veer into “worst-case scenario” mode unless I consciously uninvite those thoughts. I consistently remind myself why I'm doing what I'm doing and what it is I want to achieve.
Visualize what you want clearly and you'll notice an immediate shift in how you feel. Visualization also makes you incredibly creative in terms of taking action and making your dreams a reality. 

4. I ask for what I want (and don't feel guilty about getting it).
Whether it's a better table at a Central Park restaurant or the rates I command for different projects, asking for what I want ensures that I feel assertive, authentic and free. Silencing your desires is like taking a weakening drug. The only cure is to identify what matters to you, give yourself permission to know you deserve it and honor yourself by asking for it. I regularly ask myself, "What do I really want?" and allow my heart to lead the way. 

5. I think of how happy my past self would have been to have my current life.
Five or 10 years ago if someone told me that I would have the life that I enjoy now, I would have been extremely happy. I'm sure A LOT of you would feel the same way about where you are in your life. I remind myself regularly that while I'll always be working toward something new, I'm still doing OK in the present moment. 

6. I consume inspirational material EVERY single day.
If I miss a day, I notice it. I listen to podcasts, I read books, and I make it a point to go to inspirational websites. External inspiration massively feeds internal inspiration. I can't live without it.
It’s a simple list, but it works for me.

Friday, October 9, 2015

The Dalai Lama's Tips for Living Your Best Life

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Some great quotes from the Dalai Lama.

1 - “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.”

This quote refers not just to romantic love, but complete love without judgment -- of ourselves and of others. To love others, we must first love ourselves, which means acting in harmony with our true life purpose every day.

2 -  “If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.”

This quote has been paraphrased in a number of ways. This simple statement is so profound. Like the physician's Hippocratic oath to do no harm, we should always look for ways to help others. But, if we can't find it in ourselves to help others, maybe because we are so down and disheartened about our own situation that we feel we don't have the means, the least we can do is not cause harm to others. Imagine how much happier everyone could be if everyone on earth followed this simple philosophy?

3 - “We all seek happiness and shun suffering, but as human beings we are distinguished from others by our intelligence. If we allow it to be controlled by negative emotions like hatred, the consequences are disastrous, but if we use it positively, we can not only recognize our predicament but also train our minds and ways of thinking, which enables us to transform ourselves into better, happier people.”

This quote is one of my favorites and, in my opinion, needs no further explanation.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

7 Life Lessons Happy People Have Already Figured Out

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Life doesn’t come with instructions. No one hands us a manual when we are born. Instead we have to navigate the trenches of the unknown and try to suck in the experiences with an open heart and courageous action. But what happens when life doesn’t go as planned?

Is happily ever after and smooth sailing reserved for the privileged or uber-happy folks? Not quite. Even people who seem to ooze joy were born with the same lack of instructions as everyone else.

In some cases, the happiest people in the world have been through the most difficult circumstances. So how is it they can access inner peace effortlessly and pull through life’s difficult patches with grace and ease?
 
The thing all happy people have in common is the ability to look at life situations as growing opportunities.

We're always shifting and shaping into the person we can ultimately be. But happy people seem to learn the life lessons and practice them daily. 

Trust that the rough patches of your life can ultimately groom you for a deeper understanding of who you really are. If you want to be happier, you can learn these seven life lessons extraordinarily happy people already figured out.
 
1. It isn't what you have that matters. It is what you do with what you have.
That extra weight on your body, the nose you want to change or the size of your thighs are all insignificant aspects of who you are and what you are capable of achieving. When we obsess over the things we hate — about situations or ourselves — we don’t have room to focus on new opportunities. 

Happy people know complaining about what you don’t like will keep you from embracing life fully. Let go of your insecurities and self-criticism. Learn to see yourself the same way as people who love you.
 
2. Be where you are, not where you think you should be.
So many of us race around trying to catch up to the future version we see in the mirage of what “should be.” This constant thirst for something more prevents us from being fully in the moment — right now. If you're waiting for more, you are missing the rich layers of potential in the present. Stop waiting for something other than this and know you are right where you need to be to get to where you want to be. Acceptance of this moment is key.
 
3. Everything and everyone has its own time and place.
People, jobs, even places we live have expiration dates. Happier people seem to understand the surrendering power that comes with the art of letting go. Humans have seasons to the soul, much like nature. We can embrace the changes and recognize letting go is not saying goodbye, but simply a new beginning with fresh awareness and new perspective.
 
4. Resistance is a form of self-sabotage.
Stop trying to make it what it isn’t. Just accept what is. The partner who doesn’t do what you wish. The job that feels soul-sucking. The body type you can’t seem to achieve. All of those are forms of resistance. The refusal to see things as they are by masking the truth with candy-coated lies is a direct route to unhappiness. Instead of trying to change things, people or places, let them be.
 
5. You will see what you believe.
We've all heard, “When I see it, I'll believe it.” But the happiest people in the word have already figured out believing is a mandatory first stop. Every revolutionary game-changer believed in his vision long before they saw it come to fruition. 

Martin Luther King, Steve Jobs and Gandhi are all people who believed with every cell of their bodies in their vision. What is your goal and deepest desire? Your only mission is dive in so deep that the belief it is possible beams from your pores.
 
6. Fear of the unknown is a byproduct of settling.
Many of us hang our hats (even subconsciously) on the fact that the future can be intimidating, especially if we don’t have a clear plan. Whether you want to leave the job you hate or leave a burdensome relationship, changing directions in life can bring up our deepest fear of the unknown. 

But happy people have learned fear of the unknown is actually a subtle byproduct of settling and playing it safe. Every happy person has felt that same fear but courageously stepped forward into the unknown. Then they quickly realized how peaceful and joy-filled the journey can be. Remember, fear is always worse in our heads. Once you take a step forward, the fear will disappear.
 
7. You fit in just as you are.
Most happy folks I know, including myself, have learned true happiness is not about trying to fit in with the world, but realizing we all fit in as we are. Instead of trying to change, manipulate or force yourself into outer ideals, practice self-love and acceptance. When you can trust yourself and be present with where you are in this moment, you will feel the ultimate expression of undulating freedom.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

5 No-Fail Ways To Get (And Stay) Happier




Do you ever wonder why some people are happier than others? As a life-coach and author, I discovered that despite our vast differences, we are more similar than we realize. We all want love, acceptance, and appreciation. It's our strategies for achieving these things that vary. In general, people see the world in one of two ways: full of possibilities or full of obstacles. Your interpretation of the world creates your reality.

If you're trying to reach a new goal, you have to do what you have not done before.
Here are five ways to shift your perspective that can make a huge difference in the success of your life's pursuits. 

1. Stop focusing on problems that don’t exist.
Problems are an inevitable part of life. But how we approach them depends on our worldview. An excuse-oriented person falls back on reasons it can’t be done. Maybe it’s been done before, or it will take too much time or money, so they throw their hands up in the air and say, “why bother?”
Solution-oriented people look for answers in the unknown territory of life. They are the trendsetters, inspirational leaders, authors you love, or creative types tackling problems head on. They are the people who, instead of saying it can’t be done, say, “Watch me.” 

2. Visualize results.
People fall into one of two buckets when it comes to making their dreams come true. They will focus on all the reasons it can’t be done or the results they want to see. If you are trying to reach a new goal, you have to do what you haven’t done before. That requires you to focus on the possibilities. Results-driven people often make their dreams come true faster, and they are happier, healthier, and wealthier. 

3. Assume it can be done.
Last week I proposed a problem for my students to solve. One student raised her hand and politely said, "It can’t be done." I smiled and replied, "With that mindset, you’re right. But if you assume it can be solved, you will be able to solve it." The students who thought they could solve it did. Those who said it couldn't be done stayed stuck. 

The results we see in life are based on what we think. What you think, you become. If you want new results, look for new ways to approach old problems. 

4. Know when to break the rules.
Steve Jobs, Pablo Picasso, Ghandi: all visionaries praised for their innovation. Without breaking rules, they wouldn't have made the same impact or contributions that they did. That doesn't mean all rules were meant to be broken. They exist to keep order in place. 

But breaking rules with a purpose — relinquishing limiting perspectives to come up with creative solutions — is a necessary part of the creative process. Give yourself permission to break rules when you feel limited by them, as long as your actions won't negatively impact others. 

5. Believe the world is a kind, loving place.
We attract what we believe. If you look at the world in a negative light and see hate, sadness, and pain, you will feel more of that in your life. But when you focus on small acts of kindness, on love, on opportunity, and on hope, joy will be yours for the taking.
Life is what you make of it. Make it something great.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

20 Habits Of Highly Authentic People


Meeting someone living a uniquely crafted life is a breath of fresh air. These people are rare – it takes courage and self-confidence to be who you really are despite reactions from skeptics and attempts to bring you back to conformity and a false exterior. If you’re ready to show to the world the real you, this post might just be the beginning of your journey to authenticity.
 
Here are the 20 things that authentic people do differently:


1. They aren't afraid to express their opinions even though those opinions might be different than the opinions of the majority.


2. They never apply advice given without firstly consulting the guide within.


3. They are driven to action by the inner-motor rather than external triggers.


4. They’re proud of their unique traits that make them stand out from the crowd.


5. They have unique daily rituals, like making coffee in a special way or meditating 
in candlelight before going to bed.


6. They allow their friends and people they meet to show their true selves.


7. They search in conversations for depth, and not for gossip or emotional news.


8.They’re perfectly happy in their own company and they’re great friends with their own selves.


9. They value experiences over things.


10. They make the most out of the situations they find themselves in, be the situation bad or good.


11. They don’t judge others because they look beyond the external facade of words and appearances.


12. They talk less because they conserve energy for wording things that matter.


13. They listen closely because they’re fascinated with exploring the depths of 
other beings.


14. They don’t complain as they take full responsibility of their lives.


15. They have high self-esteem and appear confident because they have nothing to hide.


16. They don’t get upset when someone obviously dislikes them. They allow others to form whatever opinions they wish to have.


17. They see beauty and perfection in things that other people dismiss.


18. They try to support others and sincerely wish for people to grow and reveal their unlimited selves.


19. They let go of critical and ill-wishing people, although they don’t hold any bad feelings towards them.


20. They see the unity and interconnectedness of all life, and hear the harmonious symphony of the world in all life’s situations.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

10 Tips To Raise A Child With Resilience & Self-Esteem


Although there are many ways of defining the concept of self-esteem, in general the term encompasses the way we think and feel about ourselves, and the way we evaluate ourselves. Children with healthy self-esteem believe that they are deserving of love, and they possess a willingness to face challenges in which they may not succeed.

It’s never too late to build your self-esteem, and increase your ability to be a great role model for your children.
Children with low self-esteem tend to be very critical of themselves, are hesitant to face challenges because failure will confirm their negative self-view, show poor frustration tolerance, and do not feel worthy of love. Furthermore, having a negative self-esteem is correlated with many mental health disorders including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and substance use.
One of the major goals of parents is ensuring that their child develops and fosters a healthy self-esteem to carry with them through life. Here are 10 tips to help your children see their inner beauty:


1. Model healthy self-esteem by taking care of yourself.
Children are quite tuned into the state of their parents’ overall well-being, and parents often don’t see how much children are paying attention. In fact, children use their parents as a model for behavior and as a mirror for their own feelings. So if you are struggling with your own self-esteem and demonstrating these struggles through your words and actions, chances are your children will too.
It’s never too late to build your self-esteem, and increase your ability to be a great role model for your children. Engaging in psychotherapy, for example, is an excellent way to gain assistance with life’s challenges, including parenting, and to increase your love for yourself.


2. Pay attention to how you speak to and listen to your child.
Watch the labels and judgments that you say to your children to describe their character, as they can make more of an impression than you want. For example, “Michael is not a good sharer” can be interpreted by your child as a global statement of disapproval, rather than the description of a particular behavior. 

So describe behaviors in the moment, rather than globalizing them (e.g., “Michael had difficulty sharing his toy with Marcos last time”) and model the behavior that you want your child to exhibit.


3. Help your children to express feelings and change inaccurate beliefs.
Prompt your children to express feelings both in successful and challenging situations, so they become adept at recognizing and verbalizing emotions. When you hear your children express negative beliefs about themselves (e.g., “I’m stupid”), encourage them to view the situation differently (“What proof do you have that you’re stupid? One bad grade does not mean that you are stupid. You have a lot of strengths too!”).


4. Stress the importance of effort and completion rather than performance.
Research demonstrates that it is more effective to reward actual effort and completion of a task, rather than praising children for their performance compared to others. You want to ensure that your children understand that they are valued because of who they are, not how they perform and measure up to other children. 

5. Create a safe, loving environment at home.
A family and home environment that is safe, loving, and has established rules and structure is essential to building self-esteem in children. Be sure to be mindful of your children’s interactions with others at school and in their peer groups as best as you can, to ensure they are safe and secure in those relationships as well.


6. Remember and demonstrate that failure is a part of life.
In order to learn and develop, we must experience failure in our lives. Children with high self-esteem tolerate failure and see it as an opportunity for learning and growth. And along with that …


7. Let your children take some risks and make some of their own choices.
Although may parents find it incredibly difficult to stand back and watch their children fail, it is imperative to developing a healthy self-esteem that you let your children take risks and chances, so they develop confidence in themselves and in their choices, and learn problem-solving skills. Furthermore, they understand that failure and success are not reflective of their worth.


8. Have your children be involved in cooperative experiences.
It is important that children experience cooperation and collaboration through a host of activities such as volunteering, team sports (especially ones that stress teamwork), music and art endeavors, and camp.


9. Teach your children to be critical of media, especially social media.
Rather than outright forbidding or limiting your child’s exposure to social media (which often makes them want to see it more), help them to view media and internet postings with a critical eye so they learn to effectively understand how to manage the information and messages they are being given.


10. Remember that love is unconditional.
Make sure your children know and experience your love for them no matter what happens, and make it clear that your love for them has no limitations. This is a powerful component to building your children’s self-esteem.


If you are concerned that your child is struggling with their self-esteem, consider having them see a psychotherapist to help build their repertoire of skills for dealing with the challenges they face, and foster positive self-beliefs that will increase their self-esteem.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

10 Choices That Will Guide You To A Regret-Free Life

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It’s easy to dwell on past mistakes — what we could have or should have done. But, those experiences shape who we are. The trick is to use them to grow. With that in mind, here are a few tips to stop regretting the things you can’t change and to focus instead on how to live now.

1. Own your weirdness.
Embrace what makes you different, and use it to your advantage. You are the only you in the whole world. In terms of supply and demand, you’re a hot commodity. Treat yourself as such! 

2. Relinquish self-consciousness.
It’s impossible to control other people’s opinions of you. You could spend your whole life trying to make a good impression and you’d still fail eventually. Stop wasting time trying to please people whose opinions matter less than your own. Make the choices that feel right to you, and your self-confidence will grow. 

3. Follow the three-second rule.
Not that three-second rule. Any time you’re tempted to respond out of anger or pain, take three seconds to calm down and think about how you’ll feel if you hurt someone else. It’s never worth it, and it’ll save you a lot of future regret. 

4. Don’t spend time with people you don’t like.
It sounds obvious. But, how often do you attend parties or functions because you should? Time is our most precious resource, and not to be wasted on activities or people we don’t love. At the end of their lives, people most often regret not having spent more time with their loved ones. Prioritize them now. You’ll always be glad you did. 

5. Love your work.
We spend more hours at work than anywhere else. If it drains you, bores you, or makes you unhappy, it's the wrong job. If you’re not sure what you love to do, take some time for self-reflection. If you already are, now is the time to start taking steps toward that dream. What’s holding you back? 

6. Honor your mistakes.
Mistakes are lessons. Failing is not something to beat yourself up over. It’s something to celebrate. It means you tried. Learn your lesson, forgive yourself, and move on. 

7. Stop seeking praise.
Doing anything with the expectation of glory almost inevitably leads to disappointment and bitterness. The way you invest your time should be determined by your pleasure and satisfaction in the activity itself. Then, positive opinions become a bonus and negative ones become irrelevant. 

8. Follow through.
Making empty promises and assurances inevitably hurts and disappoints the people you love. Keep your word, whenever possible. On the rare occasions something unavoidable comes up, explain the situation and try to offer an alternative. This makes people feel prioritized, even when you have to bail.

9. Treat your body well. It’s the only one you get.
You know how on airplanes they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping anyone else? Apply that concept to your health in general. You’re a much better, more productive person when you take care of yourself.

10. Practice gratitude.
No matter how bad things seem at an given moment, there is always something to be grateful for. Did you have clean drinking water today? Food in your refrigerator?
Consciously considering the things you’re grateful for can make the negative seem smaller and less overwhelming. Time spent wishing for what you don’t have is wasted. Time spent appreciating the present pays dividends.

Friday, June 26, 2015

3 Buddhist Beliefs that will make you happier

You don't have to practice yoga or follow an Ayurvedic diet to benefit from Buddhist ideas (but if you do, more power to you). 

So whether or not you think about balancing your dosha, here are three powerful elements of Buddhist philosophy, "The Noble Truths," and how you can incorporate them into every day. They might just change your life...
 
1. Dukkha: Life is painful and causes suffering.
Many people might say that Buddhism is pessimistic or negative. This is a common result of learning that one of the Noble Truths is translated as "Life is suffering." But there's more to this statement. It's not just telling us, "Life is tough, so deal with it." So what is it telling us?
We actually can create more suffering in our lives by trying to avoid or suppress difficult emotions. Yes, our lives are inevitably punctuated with various unpleasant feelings: loss, sadness, fatigue, boredom, anxiety appear and reappear during our lives.
But attaching or clinging to particular expectations, material items, and states of being is often a cause for acute frustration, disappointment, and other forms of pain. So rather than fear our suffering or seek an ultimate resolution to it (and become frustrated by our lack of finding one), we can learn simply to recognize our suffering.
 
How we can use this belief every day: Try not to buy into the idea that you're broken. Expect that death, aging, sickness, suffering, and loss are part of life. Practice acceptance in the face of strife. Stop attaching to the idea that life should be easy and pain free, both emotionally and physically. This is a misconception made popular by the fashion, beauty, and pharmaceutical industries.
Illness, heartbreak, loss, disappointment, and frustration are parts of life that can be mitigated by practicing "non-attachment." Try to embrace imperfection, to let go of this belief that life should be a certain way. Open your heart to uncertainty.
 
2. Anitya: Life is in constant flux.
Anitya or "impermanence" means that life as we know it is in constant flux. We can never access the moment that just passed, nor can we ever replicate it. As each day passes, our cells are different, our thoughts develop, the temperature and air quality shifts. Everything around us is different. Always.
When we are feeling especially uncomfortable, the concept of impermanence can be, paradoxically, comforting. In other words: if nothing is permanent, we know our pain will pass. But when we are experiencing joy, the idea of impermanence can be incredibly fear-inducing.
If we accept the idea of impermanence at face-value, it can be incredibly liberating. In the West, about 100 years after the Buddha expressed this idea, Greek philosopher Heraclitus mirrored the belief when he famously said, "You can never step in the same river twice." All we have is the present moment.
 
How we can use it in our everyday lives: Celebrate the idea of change. Accept that everything is constantly changing. It's kind of amazing, when you just think about it! And even when the idea of impermanence might feel scary, it helps us appreciate everything we are experiencing in the present: our relationships, body, mood, health, the weather, our favorite shoes, our jobs, our youth, our minds. So let's savor those moments we do enjoy and know that the ones we don't enjoy will pass.
 
3. Anatma: The self is always changing.
When I ask clients what they want to get out of therapy, they commonly answer, "I want to find myself." Our culture has led us to believe there's a concrete, constant "self" tucked away somewhere in us. Is it between our heart and liver? Or somewhere unknown in our brain? Who knows!
Buddhism, however, assumes there is no fixed, stable "self." In line with Anitya (impermanence), our cells, memories, thoughts, and personal narratives — all of the "matter" that ultimately comprises our identities — change over time.
Sure, we all have personalities (though they can change over time). We have names, and jobs, and other titles that we use to identify ourselves, to feel a sense of "self."
But the idea of a constant self is yet another story our culture has told us. It is a story we can change, and thereby accept the idea that we ourselves can change — at any time, in any place. As Thich Nhat Hanh says, "Thanks to impermanence, anything is possible."
 
How we can use it in our everyday life: Instead of focusing on "finding ourselves," we ought to focus on creating the self we wish to be at every moment. It's possible for us to be, and feel, different today than we were and felt yesterday. Being depressed today doesn't mean we'll be depressed forever. We can forgive others. We can forgive ourselves.
Once we let go of our attachment to the idea of the constant "self," we can rest more comfortably with the constant change present in all of life. In each new moment, we ourselves are new.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Body Language of Confident People

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Now I'd love to hear from you. What body language do you use to feel and look more confident? What's one thing that you'll try differently as a result of watching this video? Be sure to leave a comment at http://www.ahalyakumaran.com/?p=1642.

Thanks for watching, reading, and contributing!

VIDEO CONTENT:

Do you leverage your body language to feel confident and help get your message across?

We all use two languages to convey a message at any given time, the language we're speaking in - English in my case right now and body language - the silent language that we all use yet forget about most of the time. Many research studies have shown that body language impacts how others perceive you. For example, a popular study shows that words, tone of voice and body language account differently when it comes to our liking of a person who shares a message about their feelings and attitudes: words account for 7%, tone of voice accounts for 38%, and body language accounts for 55% of the liking.

Not only do other perceive us differently based on our body language, but Amy Cuddy shared in her TEDTalk that her studies show WE are influenced by our own body language as well. Our body language governs how we think and feel about ourselves.

When it comes to body language, here are some things to pay attention to:

* Watch your posture - poor posture makes you look like you have low self-confidence or low energy. Roll your shoulders back, stand up straight, and keep your chin up so you're looking straight ahead. When I started walking into boardrooms like this, the reaction I got was noticeably different. My executive clients noticed me! They were also more inclined to listen to what I had to say. Looking and feeling confident with good posture is one of my secrets to building instant credibility.

* Give a firm handshake when you meet someone - avoid a light, fish handshake or one that's the death grip. It should be firm and accompanied by eye contact and a warm smile.

* Smiling in general makes you feel confident and makes you look comfortable and therefore confident. For someone like me who smiles a lot, I have to actually watch how much I smile, especially in business meetings because I can come off as insincere, inappropriate or even weak.

* Eye contact is critical when someone is talking to you. If you start glancing away from them, it signals disinterest. It's just like looking at the clock when someone is talking to you.

* Watch out for crossed arms. You'll come off as closed or uninterested. I used to always cross my arms because it's just really comfortable for me but I make a conscious effort not to do it when interacting with others.

* Don't look down when you're making a point. It looks like you're uncomfortable, unsure, or weak.

* And last but not least, no fidgeting - stop doing those annoying things like biting your nails or playing with your hair or fidgeting with your clothes or your pen or your chair or anything. Just keep your hands on your lap or on the table in front of you and lock them together if you must.

For those of you who are very animated, like me, in situations where you want to maximize your authority, work on minimizing your body movements. Try taking a deep breath, toning down your smile and bringing your gestures down to waist level. When you appear calm and contained, you look more powerful.

Speaking of powerful, I encourage you to try one of Amy Cuddy's "power poses". In her TEDTalk, she says that before entering a stressful situation, spend 2 minutes doing any of the power poses, one of them being the wonder woman pose. Whether it's in the washroom before a presentation or backstage before a big performance, she says that you'll feel more confident and powerful and you'll put your best foot forward to whatever situation you're walking into. Here's a link to her TEDTalk: http://on.ted.com/Cuddy.

If you're in an important meeting and forget all these strategies, then mirror the other person's body language. If they're leaning in, you lean in. If they're not smiling at all, keep a warm, but straight face too.

And I'll leave you with this: fake it till you make it. Change your body positioning even if you don't feel confident - especially if you don't feel confident. The more you practice these strategies, the more confident you'll actually feel. As Amy Cuddy says, don't just fake it till you make it. Fake it till you become it!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

5 Habits Holding You Back From Your True Purpose

And How To Change 'Em
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Pursuing your purpose is the key to an authentic, fulfilling life. But where do you start? Being constantly attached to cell phones and laptops, and spending your days pursuing someone else's vision can detach you from your deepest desires.

The quiet reflection necessary to uncover your inner truths can seem unnatural or uncomfortable. But, in order to find your path, you have to spend time alone

With that in mind, here's a step-by-step guide to conquering the obstacles between you and your true purpose.

1. You haven't asked the hard questions.
Self-exploration can take many forms, but as a starting point, sit with yourself — alone — and ask these questions. Try to take the logical, rational mind out of this exercise and focus on your heart’s desires. Be sure to write down your musings. Writing out your thoughts reinforces them in your subconscious and conscious mind. 

If possible, complete this exercise outside in nature. The organic environment can help to put things into perspective, as well as inspire and relax us.
  • What ignites you? Some examples could be: music, acts of kindness, dance, art, philosophical debates, organizing, cleaning, sports, color, or writing.
  • How might you redesign your life if there were no limits? What would you want to do in life? Be in life? See in life?
  • What small steps can you take right now that will bring you closer to your ideal life?
Once you discover what activities and goals invigorate you, incorporate them into your life on a daily or weekly basis. These are the first steps towards integrating your passions and purpose.

2. You haven't embraced your unique gifts and strengths.
Celebrate your individuality and the gifts you have to offer. There's no one else who can do what you can do, or be what you can be.
What talents do you bring into this world? What gifts set you apart from others? How might you use them for a greater good?

3. You aren't setting a daily intention.
Give yourself a goal for the end of each day, or come up with a mantra to help you move closer to your purpose. Some examples could be:
  • Today, I will achieve balance.
  • Today, I will be grateful.
  • I am empowered.
  • I feel joy in the present moment.
I highly recommend writing down your intentions to reinforce and make them more powerful.

4. You're getting in your own way.
Although it's counterintuitive, we often self-sabotage, preventing ourselves from achieving our true potential. 

Write down your potential minefields and reflect on what experiences or events in your life may have contributed to forming these thoughts or behaviors in the first place. Some examples of negative minefields:
  • Negative self-talk/doubt
  • Excuse-making
  • Lack of confidence

5. You aren't listening to that still, small voice.
When you hear the desires of your soul, begin to design your ideal life around them. Ignoring them will lead to frustration and bitterness. 

Debbie Ford said, "Your life is sacred. There is and always has been a path for your soul, and if you follow that path, it will lead you to the inner utopia that your soul longs to experience in this lifetime. You are here to manifest the glory of the divine in a way that will serve your own soul and serve the evolution of other souls as well."

Saturday, June 13, 2015

10 Milestones To Hit Before Turning 40

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I’ve learned more significant lessons in my forties than in any other decade, and wish I'd figured a few of these things out a lot sooner. I wrote down the ten most life-changing things I've learned, in hopes that you can get a jump on creating the life you want. The rest of your life starts now, whether you realize it or not.

1. Cherish your parents.
We know abstractly that no one lives forever, but for some reason, it's hard to internalize that our parents won't always be there. Tell your parents you love them because you won't always have the chance. We're not promised anything — not even the time to say goodbye — so tell your parents, sincerely and often, how much they mean to you. 

2. Embrace the inevitability of aging.
The same we way can remain in denial about mortality, part of us can't imagine getting (and looking) old. A day will come when you look in the mirror and say, “Who the BLEEP is that?!” Between now and then, nurture a sense of self that isn't reliant on your physical appearance, and surround yourself with people who appreciate your personality and character, rather than the body they happen to walk around in. 

3. Find your purpose and live it.
Identify what's truly important to you, what brings you the most fulfillment, and start pursuing it now. It may take some work to uncover your purpose, but it can be the difference between a life of joy and a life of regret. 

4. Save for retirement.
It's SO important to establish a pattern of saving at an early age. Starting early gives your savings more time to compound and grow. If you wait until you're older, you may have to reduce your style of living and work longer, just to have enough money when you do retire. 

5. Do work that you love.
Most of us spend the majority of our days, weeks, and lives at work. That's way too much time to devote to something you're not passionate about. Money is important, but happiness trumps it. Being passionate is the first step towards being great at something, and being great at something is how you get paid for it. Start there. Just making the decision to do that will make you feel lighter, happier, purposeful. 

6. Accept yourself without judgement.
Self-judgment causes unnecessary suffering and will paralyze you with fear, making it impossible for you to take ownership of your life. By accepting yourself unconditionally, you give yourself permission to make the choices that you know are right. 

7. Take control of your experiences.
Passivity allows your life to take a course undecided by you. Check in with yourself regularly to make sure the life you are living is the one you want. This gives you the opportunity to make changes in the areas that aren't working or that are unsatisfying. 

You can't afford to spend one second of your time on earth doing anything other than exactly what you want.
8. Learn that love doesn't always last.
As painful as this is, it is a reality. Even the best relationships change and evolve. Marriages can fail, friendships can wither away, and love can fade. As long as you're alive, you're growing, and sometimes that mean growing apart from those you love. All relationships are important and serve a purpose, even if they don’t last forever

9. Concede that not everyone will like you. (And that's okay.)
Don't waste your time trying to please everyone. There will always be someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't like you. Let it go! Your energy will be better spent elsewhere. 

10. Make a bucket list.
It's easy to get so caught up in the daily grind that you don’t have time to truly live. Make a list of anything and everything you've ever wanted to experience in your lifetime, and actually DO these things. Cross 'em off one by one. It's written proof you've spent your life doing things that make you happy.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Lifehacks for Building New Habits

7 Scientific Lifehacks for Building New Habits and Making Them Stick (forever)
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by Sam Thomas Davies


Why do we do what we do?


The answer is habit.


The meal we decide for dinner, the route we drive to work, the coffee we order at lunch.


They’re all a result of habit.


In the last twenty years, psychologists have learned a hell of a lot about how habits work, why they emerge and more importantly, how we can change our bad ones and replace them with good routines.


I’ve experimented obsessively with my own habits over the last decade, read everything about the psychology of rituals, motivation and willpower, and in this post I’m going to share with you the best 7 research-proven ways to build new habits and make them stick forever. 


1. Make It Tiny

We’re afraid of change, even when it’s positive, because all change is hard.

Leaping into our fears without a strategy can paralyse us. Failure discourages us and we postpone any future effort.


Instead, what we need to do is lean, ever so slightly, into our fears. When we take baby steps, we disarm the brain’s fight or flight response and make challenge not some chore-like arduous ordeal, but a fun real life video game.


If you want to build new habits and make them stick, you need to make them tiny, or, as Leo Babauta of  Zen Habits writes, make them, “So easy you can’t say no”.

“If you start out exceedingly small, you won’t say no. You’ll feel crazy if you don’t do it. And so you’ll actually do it!” 


If you want to wake up earlier, wake up five minutes earlier every morning.

You want to eat five portions of fruits and vegetables every day? Eat one to start with.


Even writing a book isn’t that hard when you only have to write 100 words a day.

You can always expand on the habit, but to begin with, focus on doing them, consistently.



2. Anchor It To An Existing Habit

In his book The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, Charles Duhigg explains at the core of every habit is the same neurological loop. He calls this The Habit Loop. It’s a three-step loop that includes a cue, a routine and a reward.


  • The Cue: This is the trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use.
  • The Routine: This is the behaviour itself. This can be an emotional, mental or physical behaviour.
  • The Reward: This is the reason you’re motivated to do the behaviour and a way your brain can encode the behaviour in your neurology, if it’s a repeated behaviour.


Interestingly, almost all habitual cues fit into one of five categories: location, time, emotional state, other people, and immediately preceding action.

From my experience, an immediately preceding action is the most stable cue because it’s triggered by an existing habit.


So a fool-proof method of building new habits is to match them with an old habitual cue.


B.J. Fogg [3], a researcher at the Stanford Persuasion lab, Asks:


“What does this behaviour most naturally follow?”


To implement this technique, decide on an existing habit and complete the following sentence:

“After I [EXISTING HABIT] I will immediately [NEW HABIT]”.


For example:

“After I wake up, I will immediately make my bed”.

“After I make breakfast, I will immediately read for 30 minutes.”

“After I hang my coat up when I get in from work, I will immediately meditate for 10 minutes.”


You can sign up for daily updates and make a habit of reading high-quality content every time your email dings…

3. Plan For Roadblocks

Failure is inevitable, but failure doesn’t mean you failed and you are a failure; it means you didn’t plan and prepare for failure.


Kelly McGonigal, author of The Willpower Instinct, says:


“People who think they have the most willpower are actually the most likely to lose control when tempted.” 


When we visualize ourselves achieving our goals, we don’t take into account the inevitable setbacks and so get frustrated and give up when they happen.

We can anticipate our roadblocks and remove them, entirely, by using what are called “implementation intentions”, or “if/then” strategies.


An “if/then” strategy helps specify what your obstacles might be and, more importantly, how you can overcome them.


For example, if you want to develop a habit of saying “no” to unhealthy foods, you could write:


“If I’m offered a cookie in work, I’ll say ‘no’. If they persist, I’ll repeat myself”.

Granted, you can’t prepare for every obstacle, but planning for the most likely setbacks protect your against willpower failures and maximise your self-control.




4. Introduce Variable Rewards For Doing It

There are feedback loops everywhere.


Think about it: we crave alcohol, the Internet and pizza because we have conditioned ourselves to expect pleasure when we engage in these activities.


The behaviours are rewarding.

But when feedback loops become predictable, they no longer motivate us.


In his book, Hooked: How to Build Habit Forming Products, Nir Eyal writes:


“Experiences with finite variability become less engaging because they eventually become predictable."


How do you counteract losing interest in habits? You introduce variable rewards.

Habits with variable rewards are the ones that hook us for life.


If you’re rewarding yourself for going running by watching your favourite television programme when your return home, introduce variability. Congratulate yourself, permit yourself to listen to your favourite album guilt-free, or better yet, make the habit the reward in and of itself.


5. Become a Choice Architect and Redesign Your Environment

Carolyn, a director of food services in a large city school system, decided to conduct an experiment.


She wanted to know, without changing the menus, would manipulating the way the food was displayed influence the children’s purchasing decisions?

It did.


The consumption of many healthy foods in the cafeterias increased by as much as 25%. 


The reality is, we are greatly influenced by our environment. If there are chocolate chip cookies in our pantry and we’re hungry, we’re going to scoff them. No doubt about it.


But if you redesign your environment so the habits you want are accessible, and the habits you don’t want are less accessible (or even inaccessible), you make decision-making easier by default.


If you’re dieting, remove any unhealthy foods from your kitchen or, at the very least, make it harder to reach (I wrap my Cheat Day chocolate bar in tinfoil so it’s not in plain sight).


If you’re learning a musical instrument, leave it so it’s always within arm’s reach. Sean Achor positioned his guitar in the centre of his living room. Here’s what happened.


If you’re going running in the morning, leave your shoes by the door and your clothes laid out so you don’t have to prepare in the morning.


Remember: make your habit super simple to do and it’ll take care of itself.


6. Track Your Progress

Life is full of scorecards”, writes Daniel Coyle, author of The Little Book of Talent:


 “The problem with those scorecards is that they can distort priorities, bending us toward short-term outcomes and away from the learning process”. 


Learning habits is a skill just like any other. If we are what we count, it’s important to count the right things.


First, decide on a number you’re committed to. I like 30-day challenges because they stretch me. Then, create a Google Doc and for every day, write:

  1. What you did well (“I said ‘No’ to dessert”).
  2. What you didn’t do well (“I ate a high-carb breakfast when it wasn’t on my meal plan”) .
  3. What you can improve on tomorrow (“Put my box of cereal at the back of the pantry”).

This helps you celebrate daily successes and identify obstacles you hadn’t considered.


Focus on daily wins. Momentum is a powerful thing.


7. Have Accountability

When Hawthorne Factory employees were under the watchful eye of researchers, their productivity increased.

Similarly, when we attend a Weight Watchers, exercise with a friend or join a mastermind group, we adhere to our goals because of the imagined social consequences.


Never underestimate the power of accountability.

If you’re really committed to behaviour change, you’ll introduce stakes as well: a forfeit bonds you to your word.


“A goal without real consequences is wishful thinking”, writes Tim Ferriss, author of The 4 Hour Chef:


“Good follow-through doesn’t depend on the right intentions. It depends on the right incentives”.


The right incentives are accountability and stakes. These keep us on the straight and narrow when we’re demotivated and feel like throwing in the towel.

Make it a game: Commit to a 30-day challenge and promise to donate to an “anti-charity” if you fail to write a blog post, run 5 miles a week or go to bed before midnight.